holy shit. meditation. part 1
since coming to chiang rai i've been goin to a buddhist temple once a week or so and have felt that the monks are quite inspiring in their dedication. they eat once a day, have three articles of clothing, no pleasure whatsoever, and they meditate like nonstop. they meditate while listening to the head monk give sermons to the laypeople, they meditate when waiting for their food, meditate during meditating hours, and they probably meditate while they're meditating. meditate, meditate, meditate.
hell, i'll try it.
back home i would meditate very sporadically for like 10 minutes, and when i did i noticed some sense of calm or focus or relaxation (i don't really know), but it felt good. i just never committed myself to it. so seeing the monks dedicate their lives to attaining enlightenment thru the vehicle and discipline of meditation, i decided to give it an honest try.
for the first three weeks i would meditate for 15-20 minutes without setting a timer, because, well, it's 15-20 minutes. piece of cake really. i would sit cross-legged with the top foot resting on my inner thigh, and after a while i just knew when it was 15-20 minutes (sometimes longer, i was that good) and i would open my eyes. everyday i would do this and it was cool just knowing i was meditating everyday.
i told the thai family about this little exercise (quite proudly, to be honest), and Sompop (the dad) asked if i'd like to meditate with him in his meditation room for an hour. without thinking i said i'd love to. now, right from the very moment the question came out of the his mouth and made sense in my head i knew that this wasn't going to be a cakewalk, but it wasn't gonna be like breaking rocks in the hot sun either. i had enough will power and determination to do whatever any other human being was capable of doing mentally, well maybe not quite yet monk status, but regular people at least. regardless, i was game.
sompop's meditation room consists of maybe 40 different sitting buddha status big and small, various shrines to pay homage to his predecessors, and a 1/4" piece of carpet on the hardwood floor. well at least we had something to sit on for meditation. sompop started the pre-meditation with a song in thai to pay his respects to the spirits and buddha, and already on our knees, we bowed and touched our foreheads to the floor at the end of the song.
oh, and this is a crucial bit of info for the upcoming story, sompop told someone in the house to come and knock gently on the door to signify when the hour was up.
sitting cross-legged with my right foot on top of my left leg and inner thigh, back straight, and hands in my lap with the palms open and facing upwards, i was ready to go. i closed my eyes not really thinking of what would happen, nor did i really care what would happen to be honest, i just wanted to try it.
in the many forms of meditation i was practicing the lotus sitting, no moving, no talking, no opening eyes, think only about breathing and absolutely nothing else, type of meditation. pretty standard to most i guess, and how i usually meditate, but i didn't realize how important focus of breath was until days later.
the first half of the meditating i thought about many things: happy, sad, exciting, you name it. i remember one strand of thoughts consisted of, and in this order: facebook, tummers, pencils, and dairy queen. i caught myself thinking these infidel thoughts and mentally slapped myself, "focus!" i would go back to focusing on breathing for a little bit, then another strand of thoughts would come without realizing it until it was over: an ex-girlfriend, what this trip would be like if i were gay (then samoan, then handicapped), space, and dairy queen.
the first half of the meditation (or what seemed like the first half of it) went pretty seamless and i figured that it wasn't gonna be that bad after all. "i can do anything!" i started telling myself. "i could be a monk," was a common phrase that floated thru my little brain from time to time.
then the second half of the meditation began. i felt a surge of numbness flow thru my legs and ass. then came the pain. the shear, sharp, pin-point, absolutely accurate pain in the most horrific areas of the lower body: my knees, the inside of my hips, and my left calf from the mounted pressure of my right leg. not to mention my left ankle being one of the major pressure points on the flat, thinly carpeted floor. my ass wasn't safe either. i've never really been the greatest sitter in the world. if you can imagine two rocks sitting on concrete holding up an anvil, that would adequately describe my body in meditation. not to mention sitting on a floor for an hour in complete stillness will make you question life. and i did. i was fighting the pain, fighting my mind because it was freaking out, screaming, "what the hell are you doing to yourself??? this hurts, just stop!!" but i was still going to beat the clock, i had to, i had to save face. as time seemed to stand still, i thought that maybe they forgot about us in the meditation room... meditating. i listened to the noises outside of the room wondering if someone was coming (this particular thought went on for a while).
then my mind would focus on the pain and agony of my body (very stupid to do at this stage by the way), and i realized my predominant thoughts were of fear. i was very afraid of what was happening. i didn't know when someone was coming (if they were coming at all) and how much more of this pain i could voluntarily take. sweat coming down my temples and the center of my back, i heard the most amazing knocking sound on a wooden door. it sounded like god was saying "hey dumbass, it's over" in the most sympathetic, compassionate way ever. i immediately uncrossed my legs and looked over at sompop who was sitting quietly and slowly opening his eyes as if he had all the time in the world.
this was the first day.
this was maybe a long read so i'll post the second half later.
-paul
since coming to chiang rai i've been goin to a buddhist temple once a week or so and have felt that the monks are quite inspiring in their dedication. they eat once a day, have three articles of clothing, no pleasure whatsoever, and they meditate like nonstop. they meditate while listening to the head monk give sermons to the laypeople, they meditate when waiting for their food, meditate during meditating hours, and they probably meditate while they're meditating. meditate, meditate, meditate.
hell, i'll try it.
back home i would meditate very sporadically for like 10 minutes, and when i did i noticed some sense of calm or focus or relaxation (i don't really know), but it felt good. i just never committed myself to it. so seeing the monks dedicate their lives to attaining enlightenment thru the vehicle and discipline of meditation, i decided to give it an honest try.
for the first three weeks i would meditate for 15-20 minutes without setting a timer, because, well, it's 15-20 minutes. piece of cake really. i would sit cross-legged with the top foot resting on my inner thigh, and after a while i just knew when it was 15-20 minutes (sometimes longer, i was that good) and i would open my eyes. everyday i would do this and it was cool just knowing i was meditating everyday.
i told the thai family about this little exercise (quite proudly, to be honest), and Sompop (the dad) asked if i'd like to meditate with him in his meditation room for an hour. without thinking i said i'd love to. now, right from the very moment the question came out of the his mouth and made sense in my head i knew that this wasn't going to be a cakewalk, but it wasn't gonna be like breaking rocks in the hot sun either. i had enough will power and determination to do whatever any other human being was capable of doing mentally, well maybe not quite yet monk status, but regular people at least. regardless, i was game.
sompop's meditation room consists of maybe 40 different sitting buddha status big and small, various shrines to pay homage to his predecessors, and a 1/4" piece of carpet on the hardwood floor. well at least we had something to sit on for meditation. sompop started the pre-meditation with a song in thai to pay his respects to the spirits and buddha, and already on our knees, we bowed and touched our foreheads to the floor at the end of the song.
oh, and this is a crucial bit of info for the upcoming story, sompop told someone in the house to come and knock gently on the door to signify when the hour was up.
sitting cross-legged with my right foot on top of my left leg and inner thigh, back straight, and hands in my lap with the palms open and facing upwards, i was ready to go. i closed my eyes not really thinking of what would happen, nor did i really care what would happen to be honest, i just wanted to try it.
in the many forms of meditation i was practicing the lotus sitting, no moving, no talking, no opening eyes, think only about breathing and absolutely nothing else, type of meditation. pretty standard to most i guess, and how i usually meditate, but i didn't realize how important focus of breath was until days later.
the first half of the meditating i thought about many things: happy, sad, exciting, you name it. i remember one strand of thoughts consisted of, and in this order: facebook, tummers, pencils, and dairy queen. i caught myself thinking these infidel thoughts and mentally slapped myself, "focus!" i would go back to focusing on breathing for a little bit, then another strand of thoughts would come without realizing it until it was over: an ex-girlfriend, what this trip would be like if i were gay (then samoan, then handicapped), space, and dairy queen.
the first half of the meditation (or what seemed like the first half of it) went pretty seamless and i figured that it wasn't gonna be that bad after all. "i can do anything!" i started telling myself. "i could be a monk," was a common phrase that floated thru my little brain from time to time.
then the second half of the meditation began. i felt a surge of numbness flow thru my legs and ass. then came the pain. the shear, sharp, pin-point, absolutely accurate pain in the most horrific areas of the lower body: my knees, the inside of my hips, and my left calf from the mounted pressure of my right leg. not to mention my left ankle being one of the major pressure points on the flat, thinly carpeted floor. my ass wasn't safe either. i've never really been the greatest sitter in the world. if you can imagine two rocks sitting on concrete holding up an anvil, that would adequately describe my body in meditation. not to mention sitting on a floor for an hour in complete stillness will make you question life. and i did. i was fighting the pain, fighting my mind because it was freaking out, screaming, "what the hell are you doing to yourself??? this hurts, just stop!!" but i was still going to beat the clock, i had to, i had to save face. as time seemed to stand still, i thought that maybe they forgot about us in the meditation room... meditating. i listened to the noises outside of the room wondering if someone was coming (this particular thought went on for a while).
then my mind would focus on the pain and agony of my body (very stupid to do at this stage by the way), and i realized my predominant thoughts were of fear. i was very afraid of what was happening. i didn't know when someone was coming (if they were coming at all) and how much more of this pain i could voluntarily take. sweat coming down my temples and the center of my back, i heard the most amazing knocking sound on a wooden door. it sounded like god was saying "hey dumbass, it's over" in the most sympathetic, compassionate way ever. i immediately uncrossed my legs and looked over at sompop who was sitting quietly and slowly opening his eyes as if he had all the time in the world.
this was the first day.
this was maybe a long read so i'll post the second half later.
-paul
I sometimes meditate, my Father meditates, and so did my grandfather. In Canada the tradition is to use a leather chair and sit in it. Like my grandfather, I like to have a shot of scotch while waiting for my food. .. miss you buddy ..g
ReplyDeleteha.
ReplyDeleteThat was a great post. Sompop is the man.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds absolutely wonderful. This is exactly the 'shit' we need to overcome. But Paulo, where is part II?
ReplyDeleteMiss you buddie